Charlie Rose, one of my favorite news anchors, recently interviewed George Lucas. I found it fascinating because I think Lucas set the bar with the level of creativity he brought to the Star Wars franchise.
When George Lucas started talking about relationships, however, this really piqued my interest. His views on the subject of breaking up got me thinking.
Lucas said if you really look deeper into the Star Wars films, beyond the cool spaceships, intergalactic galaxies, and robots, there is a simple theme which stands out. At the heart of the Star Wars saga is a family drama, a sci-fi soap opera that mirrors real life family relationships. For example, there is the relationship between a father and son which is constantly shifting. The family dynamics are constantly playing out, changing over time. There’s also the relationship between good and evil, plus the different love stories of the characters.
The interview left me looking at Star Wars from the perspective of a relationship investigator. Lucas also shared some simple yet sensible rules to follow when breaking up. I’m sharing them here in case you are in the process of moving on from a broken relationship.
If you are thinking about terminating a relationship, going through a breakup, or in the throes of the ending of a love affair, these rules can help to keep you strong.
1. Do not call or text the ex.
No calls, none. Do not phone your ex or send text messages. It’s tempting to check in or say hello. Especially on one of those nights when you may be drinking or feeling a wee bit vulnerable. Don’t do it. Have a back-up plan. Choose someone else you can call to get you through the difficult moments.
Breaking up is hard. It can be an emotionally draining process. But in order to start healing, you have to cut communication. At the beginning of a breakup, you are fragile, vulnerable, with many emotions stirring. Don’t indulge your ongoing desire to find closure by continuing the endless conversation with your ex. It will only pour salt in the wound.
Think of how a wound heals. It is a slow process: first your blood forms a clot or plug to protect your skin; then a scab forms to protect the area until it heals as new cells multiply and repair the wound. This is similar to what you must go through to heal your heartbreak. At first, the breakup is emotionally difficult. It hurts. You cry, you’re angry, and you feel so much frustration. This is the fresh wound. Eventually, if you protect yourself, the healing begins. You start to feel better, a little improvement day by day. Time passes and you get back into the groove of things. Finally, you realize you’ve healed. You have the memory of the pain under the surface, but it is no longer acute pain.
The healing process won’t happen if you constantly reopen the wound by calling your ex. Don’t do it.
2. Don’t go over to your ex’s house to see what he or she is up to.
Of course it’s tempting to snoop. You want to see if your ex has moved on or is still hurting. Stop. Don’t go there. Remember the wound and the healing process. Every time you involve yourself in your ex’s life, you are picking at the scab on the healing wound. When you do this, the wound takes longer to heal and doesn’t heal as completely.
Visiting the ex’s house or office, or driving by to see if you can catch a glimpse, disrupts the healing process post breakup. Instead of responding to temptation, find something else to occupy the space your ex left behind. Focus your energy on yourself and your healing.
In the digital era, we are often socially connected to the people we are breaking up with and this makes the process more difficult. All the pesky social reminders about your ex on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and the like can really hamper a breakup. You are constantly informed about what your ex is doing, who they may be dating, their thoughts and feelings. Not to mention those cute smiling photos.
Whenever you are tempted to check out that Facebook or Instagram feed of your ex, remember the healing process. Looking at his or her social feed is like picking at the scab. This is not going to help you move forward in your healing journey. Instead, it will stall your ability to heal.
Delete your ex’s social feeds, stop following him or her, and find another distraction.
Breaking up is hard to do. Healing is a process. But when you disconnect with your ex, healing is the only way to reconnect with yourself. Once you realize this and act on it, only then can you get to the place where you are ready to be in the relationship you deserve.
Share Your Experience
Let’s talk. I want to hear your break up story? How did you finally end a bad relationship? What helped you to heal yourself for your next relationship?
Please share your comments. We can learn from you.
***You are capable of receiving love. There is a relationship that will work for you. Sometimes all you need is a nudge in the right direction. If you are struggling with your current relationship, newly divorced and looking to get back in the dating scene, or single and trying to find the right person for you, maybe I can help. Reach out to me at [email protected], or sign up on my website to receive dating tips and relationship advice. For fast advice, read my book The Relationship Investigator’s Fast Guide to Successful Dating.