You’re not “too much.” They’re not “cold.”
You’re just speaking two different emotional languages.
What’s Really Going On:
If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely crave connection, closeness, and reassurance.
If your partner leans avoidant, they likely value space, independence, and emotional self-regulation.
When conflict arises, it’s not just about the argument—it’s about what’s happening below the surface.
According to Dr. John Gottman, who along with his wife have conducted research on thousands of couples, noted that 69% of recurring issues in relationships are perpetual. Not because you’re broken, but because you’re wired differently. The deeper struggle? Feeling emotionally safe.
You might be asking:
- “Do I matter to you?”
- “Why do you pull away when I reach for you?”
They might be thinking: - “Why is this always so intense?”
- “How can I fix this without losing myself?”
You’re trying to connect; they’re trying to stay regulated. But without understanding, your needs can start to feel like threats to each other.
Action Steps to Shift the Cycle:
- Pause to Regulate: Your urge to pursue is valid, but slowing down helps you respond instead of react.
- Name the Need, Not the Fear: Say, “I feel anxious when we disconnect—I need to know we’re okay,” instead of, “You never care.”
- Honor Their Pace: Space isn’t rejection. Let them come toward you in ways that feel safe for them.
- Repair Quickly: Gottman found that couples who make early repair attempts are much more likely to stay together. Even a gentle “Can we try again?” can reset the dynamic.
- Reframe Withdrawal: Their distance may not mean disinterest—it may be how they protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed.
The Bottom Line:
You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking in a way your partner may not yet know how to receive.
The good news? When both people feel safe enough to stay in the conversation—even when it’s hard—real connection starts to grow.
Call to Action:
Instead of fighting harder to be seen, try slowing down to understand. That shift changes everything.
Drop a 💬 below if you’ve felt this push-pull dynamic. Let’s talk about building connection, not just surviving the storm.
Want to explore this dynamic further and create a deeper, more connected relationship?
If you’re struggling with these patterns and want personalized guidance on how to navigate the push-pull of anxious and avoidant attachment, let’s talk. Book a consultation with me today, and together, we can work on building the emotional safety and understanding your relationship needs to thrive. Click here to get started!”
Bonus Tip: A change of scenery can offer fresh perspectives, reduce stress, and create space for deeper connection. Whether it’s a weekend getaway or a longer adventure, time away can give you the emotional reset you both need. If you’re ready to explore new ways to connect, check out MSC Cruises—they offer amazing travel experiences that can help you build those meaningful moments together.
Until next time,
XoXo – Elizabeth