As a relationship coach, people often ask me why they are having a difficult time attracting the right people into their lives. They lament the difficulty of navigating dating, meeting people who are dysfunctional, or who don’t add value to their life.
I get it. I’ve had my ups and downs when it came to finding someone who was truly compatible with me. And the reality is dating can be hard. I had to go through many instances where I even started to think maybe it was me that was the problem. Then I had an epiphany which helped me to understand things a lot better.
The foundation for any healthy relationship starts with self-love. Self-love not only feeds your soul, but your spirit, and emotional well-being. The energy of how you feel about yourself, your focus, and your spirit can be either a strong attractor or detractor of what you want and need in your life, especially when trying to find love. Let me explain.
- Your energy is a magnet for attracting others around you. I was married, then I divorced. Following my divorce, I was not open to being in love or finding love for years. I was stuck in the past relationship that had hurt me. I focused so much on what went wrong that I forgot many of the things that went right. I took this energy into every dating experience for awhile until one of the people I dated mentioned that I seemed to be pretty bitter.
Their comments took me aback, but I had to acknowledge that I would often look for what was wrong off the bat. It was a self-protective mode for me so I wouldn’t get hurt again. It took me awhile to realize this, but when I did, and I changed my relationship with myself, things shifted quickly.
I met someone and had a long-term relationship with them that was healthier and mutually beneficial. I had a realization that often we focus on the outer shell of someone. It’s normal because physical attraction is often at first glance or those initial interactions. But, as I went to social engagements, events, etc. I had another realization. The most attractive person in the room wasn’t often the most beautiful person in the room. What drew people to others was their energy and spirit.
2. RuPaul, a well-known personality, has often said, “If you can’t love yourself, then how in the hell can you love someone else,” rings true. If you don’t appreciate and respect what you bring to the table, it will be difficult for you to set this expectation with someone else.
An interesting thing happens when you know who you are, understand what is important to you, and the value you bring to a relationship. Others realize it too. They adjust their standards to meet your standards.
When someone is disrespectful or isn’t a fit, you’re able to walk away with your confidence intact. You realize that by leaving behind what isn’t for you, that you open the door to what is better for you. This is when you realize that you have self-love.
When you reach high self-actualization of loving and respecting who you are, you are transparent, secure even in your insecurities, and this translates to you attracting relationships that are healthier and more loving.
3. Someone else can’t complete you or make you whole. We all have moments of loneliness. But, in my relationship coaching, I have learned that even people in relationships get lonely too. It’s because no one else can complete you. You have to learn to be complete with yourself first.
While someone else can compliment you and bring out the better aspects of you, this can’t substitute or mask your inability to love yourself. Self-love is still a critical piece and foundation of a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
It isn’t to say that when you find someone you love, you can certainly feel joy, and added happiness. Because, when you are in love, these feelings will naturally occur. However, studies and research have shown time and time again that happiness does not dramatically increase with a relationship. The best way to have a happy and healthy relationship is to start with being happy with yourself, i.e., self-love.
Self-love isn’t easy to master. It takes time and dedicated practice. There are so many confusing cues we get as to what will make us happy in life. However, as you mom may have told you as you grew up, true happiness comes from within. Practice self-love daily with positive affirmations to reinforce positivity into your life. Once you master this skill, I assure you, finding love with someone that deserves you will be on the horizon.