Your Most Important Relationship
James Sama, a Dating Expert, recently posted this quote on his Facebook page: “Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”
This is a simple but true statement. When I speak with my clients about their relationships and how they can get what they want from someone else, the question arises: “How do I attract who I want?” Or they start talking about the traits they want the other person to have. In order to know who you want to attract, you do need to know what traits you want the other person to have. But a more important aspect of attracting the right person is understanding YOU.
What you get from your partner or potential partner always starts with one person: YOU. I ask my clients questions like the following:
Who would others say you are?
What attributes do you bring to the table?
What are your best attributes?
In your past relationships, what did the other person find attractive about you?
The answers to these questions are crucial. If you want to attract who you want in your life, you will need to know what is attractive about you to others. You will need to be in touch with you. Both of these are fundamental to dating success.
If you spend too much time worrying about how to get what you want, you will not be focused on being who you need to be in order to attract what you want. And this leads to attracting people who are not compatible.
Let’s delve deeper.
No One Can Complete You
It is natural to look to others to fill what you feel is lacking in your life. You may look externally for someone else to fill you up—emotionally and spiritually. This can lead to relationship failure.
No one else can fill your emotional gaps, or make you feel better about you. Only you can do that. Looking for someone to complete you is not realistic. Feeling complete is internal, and the responsibility rests with you. However, when you look for someone to add value to your life, this adds a different dynamic. And thinking about a relationship in this way can help you look for a partner in a different way.
If you want to attract someone compatible, look for complementary skills. The potential partner should enhance or add value to your life. For example, if you are spontaneous and not the best planner, someone who is more consistent and organized would be complementary. They can balance out your life by adding the traits which may not be your strengths.
This is what may be missing from your search. You need to look for someone who offers what you lack. In order to do so, you need to be okay with who you are first. If you don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself, you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone else. If you go looking without taking the time to understand who you are, your attractions will be lopsided. You must get in sync with yourself first so that you will be able to be in sync with someone else.
Some people disagree with this advice. It does happen that a person falls in love and changes for the better. However, this usually occurs over the short term because one person is working hard to compensate for what the other lacks in the relationship. This leads to burnout. And the relationship is not mutually satisfying, so it eventually ends.
Love Yourself First
Let’s get back to you.
If you want to attract what you want into your life, take the following 3 steps:
- Nurture, embrace and love yourself first. Nothing is more attractive and desirable then someone who is in touch with themselves. What is attractive to others is you being comfortable with who you are, embracing your imperfections, and being authentic.
- Be in love with who you are. This will then be evident to others. And you will become a magnet in attracting others.
- Keep loving yourself. When you are loving yourself, you realize what you desire from a partner. This helps you be more selective in choosing someone compatible. You are less likely to waste your time and effort on someone who does not respect you. You won’t waste your time with a player. You don’t waste your time trying to fix someone else.
When the right person comes into your life and shows you how much they care for you, be open to receiving this love. If you love yourself, you will realize what true love means for you. Then you can fully embrace it.
So remember: Love yourself first. This is the sure way to attract who you want. And you will find that, instead of you searching for the right person, you will become the person others find attractive. You will be who they are trying to find.
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You are capable of receiving love. There is a relationship that will work for you. Sometimes all you need is a nudge in the right direction. If you are struggling with your current relationship, newly divorced and looking to get back in the dating scene, or single and trying to find the right person for you, maybe I can help. Reach out to me at [email protected], or sign up on my website to receive dating tips and relationship advice. For fast advice, read my book, The Relationship Investigator’s Fast Guide to Successful Dating.